Sex Talk

An uncomfortable couple, DEBBIE and STEVE, sit facing the audience. They are wearing preppy sweaters and khakis. Debbie holds a pile of note cards. Sappy/romantic harp music plays as a soothing female voice over begins.

Voice Over: And now, Sexploration of the Soul with Dr. Carmen Juarez and her lover Francois Durand. All of your most intimate sexual inquiries answered every Friday night, here on Channel 43, Hanford Public Access.

    Harp music fades out.

DEBBIE: Hello viewers. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Debbie McIntosh and this is my husband Steve. We’ll be filling in for our neighbors Carmen and Francois who are currently at a... (looking at her cue card) “self administered spa weekend and sexual staycation.” (Looks at the audience and then to Steve, showing him the card.) Wait, does that mean they're just at home? 

STEVE: (Coughing uncomfortably.) Uh, well, umm, maybe we should just get going with these here, ah... intercourse... questions.

DEBBIE: Now please forgive us, we've never been on TV before, but our dear neighbors asked a favor of us so here we are.  So, to start off we've got a question from Indiana. Phil A. asks: “I have a small penis and sometimes I worry that I'm not completely satisfying my girlfriend. Are there any positions we should try?”   

    There's a beat while Debbie and Steve think.

DEBBIE: Well... there's always missionary. Umm, Steve?

STEVE: (Making wildly awkward hand motions.) You could, ah, theoretically, place the female on, ah, on the top of the male.

DEBBIE: Right, I’ve heard that's a good one, too. Or you know what? Sometimes Steve and I just like to lie parallel on the bed, hold hands, and watch Grey's Anatomy. Sometimes I’ll let him touch my bosom through my nightie. Ok, let's keep going. Steve, do you want to read one? (Hands him the cards.)

STEVE: (Hesitantly.) Okay... This is from, ah, Rita N. in Colorado. “Is it normal to, ah, pass gas during, ah, orgasm?” And, ah, it looks like Carmen actually wrote an answer for this one.

DEBBIE: How nice. Read it, Steve.

    Steve reads the next paragraph as awkwardly as anyone could ever read anything, stuttering, coughing, and sweating.

STEVE: “Before orgasm, the in-and-out motion may trigger gas because the penis rubs against the anus through the vaginal wall, so it’s not unusual for a little gas to escape. ” Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick. (Putting his hand over his mouth and quietly gagging.) She drew a diagram, Debbie.

DEBBIE: Oh, calm down, dear. (To the audience.) He has a sensitive gag reflex. (Taking the cards back and looking at them.) Hey, if you turn it sideways it kind of looks like Woodstock.

    Debbie continues to turn the card, viewing it from all angles with curiosity. Steve tentatively decides he won't be sick after all.

DEBBIE: Our last question comes from Becky C. of Vermont. Becky asks, “My boyfriend and I having been having sex for a few months now and it's been going well except every couple of times the condom breaks. It's making us really nervous and we've tried different brands. Kyle says the inside of my vagina is rough like a cat's tongue. What can we do?” Okay, we can do this one, Steve.

STEVE: We can?

DEBBIE: Yes, I was hoping for a question like this. Grab that bag under your chair. Now, Becky, it seems to me you might be putting the condom on incorrectly which causes it to break. So, Steve is going to demonstrate the proper technique while I instruct.

    Steve pulls a banana and a long string of condoms out of the bag and stares at them in horror.

STEVE: I don't know about this, Debbie...

DEBBIE: Mrs. Klein first showed me this in 7th grade health class but it is still a useful learning technique, I think. So Steve is going to begin by opening the condom.

    Steve rips open the condom with shaking hands and sends it flying over his shoulder. He jumps up from his chair to retrieve it and comes back carrying the unwrapped condom gingerly between two fingers.

STEVE: (Peering at the condom.) There's a piece of a cheeto stuck to it.

DEBBIE: Just wipe it off. So now Steve is going to grasp the banana which we're using in place of the penis. Grasp it, Steve. And now he's going to place the condom on the tip and unroll it down the shaft.

    Steve picks up the banana and awkwardly tries to put the condom on. He decides to switch hands and drops the condom again. He sets the banana on his lap and picks up the condom and unrolls it half way and attempts to slip it onto his violently trembling hand, stretching it open his fingers. He roughly grabs the banana and tries to shove it into the opening, grunting and coughing. The whole time Debbie is stuttering instructions over his shoulder.

DEBBIE: Wait, what are you doing? Steven-- Hey. No, don't unroll it yet. You're not listening to me. Steve, gentle. You're going to break it. Ah, that's not-- You've got to-- etc.

    Steve continues to wrestle with the fruit and latex. Steve struggles until he has reduced the banana to mush, smeared on his chest and face, and lodged the condom in Debbie's hair. He finally accepts defeat and stares shell shocked at the audience. Debbie plucks the condom from her hair and turns to the audience exhaustedly.

DEBBIE: (She’s pissed.) Well... that's all the time we have. Thanks for, umm, tuning in tonight.

    Debbie walks off set unceremoniously, chucking the cue cards on the ground, leaving Steve sitting wide eyed and defeated in his seat.  

VO: You've been watching Sexploration of the Soul with Dr. Carmen Juarez and Francois Durand. Sexplore your body and soul further, next Friday night, here on Channel 43, Hanford Public Access. The production of this program was made possible by donations from viewers like you. Thank you.

    Fade to black.